support/insight so appreciated

I don’t know where else to write this. Let me start by saying, I’m completely aware that I have manifested this situation. I am not a victim and I’m responsible for my own pain.

So I met this man 8 months ago. We met at an event and spent the whole day together - he felt like home. I felt so safe with him, we had a connection that feels like that rare gold stuff in life. The attraction on both sides was insane. At the end of our meeting he told me he was married with 2 children and unhappy and at present, is trying to find a way to separate. Of course, knowing this, we opted for friendship, however, as you can imagine, we crossed that line so many times that we gave in and started allowing ourselves to know the other as deep as can be. Over the next few months, he went through an internal battle, as did I, of being unfaithful to his wife, but always returning to ‘well I have fallen in love with you and telling her would hurt too much which I don’t want’. In January, we moved into a flat together and he separated with his wife.

The day we moved in together, he cried the whole day, saying he just wants a friendship with me because he needs to grieve the ending of his marriage and the devastation at not seeing his children everyday. However, we still remained sleeping together/being close, sharing all kinds of intimacy without the ‘commitment’. He basically told me, when I’ve grieved this relationship then I’m going to commit to you because you are my person I have dreamed of. However, it began to create so much turmoil inside me. He would often shut down, avoid any emotional intimacy and tell me to ‘just be present’. He tells me he feels most safe when I don’t need or want or anything from him. Then, I started to move on. He could feel this and I kissed someone else. This created so much chaos, resulting in him telling me he wants me and wants to commit to me and what’s the point of waiting… So… the last few weeks we’ve been ‘together’ with the commitment and it’s been bliss. We’ve both been so happy. It’s been so loving and supportive etc. and then the full moon last weekend. We went away together, it was a lot of vulnerability and intimacy for him I feel. We had an argument and he broke up with me saying he can’t deal with any conflict between us because of just getting out of a 20 year relationship.

The last 2 weeks, I’ve been suppressing my sadness and hurt and disappointment. I’ve been so understanding to him and accepted and allowed whatever it is he wants, squashing all my feelings down. He’s said he could happily continue living with me, not be with anyone else and continue sharing a bed etc.

This week, somethings changed inside me and I’ve started to listen to myself. I’m so sad. I’m so sad and disappointed with myself, so getting myself into this situation. For abandoning myself, for not knowing or having boundaries.

We slept together on Monday and the next day had conflict about something and we’ve been sleeping in our own bedrooms since. I reached out to extend the olive branch to which he ignored and is carrying on as if everything is fine. I’ve not been able to do this and so I’ve been extremely guarded and closed off to any interactions with him.

I feel so lost and I don’t know how I can carry on living with him. Thank you so much for reading this. I’m not sure where else to turn right now ❤️

*** note - throughout our whole time together, I have ALWAYS understood and held all his experienced and always abandoned my own feelings to hold his.