I hate myself

I started self harming since last year October, and the longest streak I've been clean was 39 days, and I fucking ruined my streak last night by cutting and tonight too.. I just feel like I'm going insane and I just wanna jump off a building. I cut myself and look at the blood and smile I just don't fucking know what I'm doing. I promised my mom not to cut anymore but I just relapsed and im so scared to tell her the wounds are all over my wrists. I try to hide but I'm so scared for her to find out.