i just want to date someone bro fuck gay people

Look I spend a gross amount of time on grindr. It’s like the only little glimmer of hope I have for a relationship right now.

Last year, and really most of my high school years, I really struggled to keep going, everything just felt like an ever expanding awful web that I was slowly mapping.

My family’s fallen apart in that time. Not hyperbole, currently experiencing the divorce. Honestly it was no surprise my parent’s relationship was so flawed.

As a kid I knew my dad was a workaholic, now I have a more marxist lens, self exploration as he’s part of the petite bugesioe (runs a small business) This meant there was always a level of tension in the house. It came out from him in extreme gaslighting and idk they need better terms but he is just fucking annoying and cruel.

My mom’s addicted to weed. Created this intense resentment between us. She lies about it. Pretends like I can’t tell her trips to the garage aren’t for getting high.

So this all became increasingly apparent to me and life just felt like this endless web of pessimism. My purview has seemed to stop expanding. I’ve noticed all there is between there relationship.

for a while i’d go to therapy with some big revelation. both micro scale with my family and a macro scale with the country and all the current turmoil.

i don’t really have these super enlightening thoughts anymore.

now i’ve been thrust deep into the banal. the grind to keep good grades. the hope for college and the future. the hope for getting out. those keep me motivated.

but life’s just really fucking boring, my school days the same, my weekends are the same, my family’s collapse is molasses, my life seems to be moving at a snails pace

everything’s the same everyday

so i scroll

on tiktok

on grindr

and there’s sometimes hope

some new account that might be an echo of my future

today i saw a pic of a guy clearly in the bathroom of my school

i hit him up

long story short i tried figuring out who it was and even contacted friends and worked together and for a min we thought it was someone

someone who would be a change something interesting

of course it wasn’t tho no it was a guy i already knew and we aren’t exactly into one another

it’s just sucks because im yearning for a relationship, something to get me through both the mundane and the future

and yet there’s nothing

no matter how much i search

nothing

ugh

who knows why im writing this i just hope im blessed with someone soon

please