am i the issue?

I uh i had a relationship with someone she had mental problems and some other stuff that i won't say to keep it private. I accepted her that way and at first said I'll be there whenever she needs she said the same I kept my promise i always do last 2 months she just got colder and colder to me I don't know why I tried to be kind and caring sure we had some fights but they was not something big to be important whenever i tried to tell her what i feel these days i just realized that whenever i try to talk she turn them into her own problem like she only have problem ignoring how i am like for example if she feels bad i just take her somewhere play something with her or just keep being silent and just give a hug letting her on me and not saying anything. I try to be kind towards her in any way i can sense whenever a fight will pop out ( with this one we had 4 fights ) i always took a step back tried to just shut my mouth not to talk more about how i feel because she feels annoyed i think i don't know anyway I'm sorry, let me tell what happened exactly.

22 November 2024:

Me: hey uh..today a bit stressful i don't really feel good I'm sorry Her: what's wrong? Me: I don't know I'm just tired not in mood kinda She: uhh...okay? ( no response for 2 hours ) Me: you there? She: ye listening to music what happened? Me: I.. don't know thought maybe you'd care a bit stay a bit do something about it? Her: I don't know what to do in this situation.

all i can share is this after that i asked why she can't give a bit of attention and things she just started saying " I don't know what to do with this, I don't know how to deal with this " okay i understand mental stuff but when she wants to give attention she does somehow but not to me? how's that working she sees something she likes she just get attached to it talking about it 2 hours straight how cute it is well i do get jealous about it i say what about me she just says I love you more dw and skips it it has been for long like this. And here i am now having headaches and lot of regret opening my heart to someone it hurts i don't know what else i could have done avoiding fights? i did a lot giving attention? did a lot and whenever i ask what she want i am forced to choose something otherwise she just does nothing or says she feels bad goes away and gather her some friends around and go play. i personally never heard she inviting me to do something at all i feel like im just used for the attention... man i just wanted someone i can trust someone i can care about because I'm sick of my own life I have no friends at all because i can't keep up conversations i tried many times and failed each one my family does not even know what I'm feeling i never spoke any of my problems to anyone that i know but decided to tell her hoping at least she will maybe just say something nice? say that it'll pass? it's fine? am i wanting so much? is my wants too much? I just wanted 1 2 someone i can call friend and someone that will love me I can't see my future anymore my head is full of things that i overthink i wish sometimes that i should have never been existed i prefer to watch people from away see how happy they are as a ghost but nothing more i wish i never existed physically i just want someone i could be happy but not just me and that someone to be happy with me at least if something bad happens someone that i can take care of give some moral maybe or that person do that i don't know I'm lost in my own head all of this hurting me feels like all around my body there's many spikes just pressing me and hurting me more...if i need to be honest, I'm afraid of being alone I'm afraid that i won't have anyone else with me but myself i don't want to disappear alone in this world i cry once i get a tiny attention and really can get stick to the person because he gave me a tiny bit of attention maybe it's because i didn't really had someone who would like me at all

at this point having headaches and seeing myself writing this to somewhere public for me it's so ironic that i really writing this I don't think I'll be good enough to anyone I don't think people will really love me anymore even as a friend even in a relationship because i think i can't be good enough even though i try hard for it, if i can't serve a purpose then for who am i living? myself? myself just being hurted each chance each friendship each relationship if ending myself will set me free then I'm sorry but i think I'll really consider just let it go. if i don't then i guess I'll just lock myself away from everyone new person or someone i know won't matter I'll just play a role and call it happiness i guess, I'm tired and exhausted

if " you " reading this I'm sorry that i tried to tell my own feelings I'm sorry for trying

and you the one who reading.. I'm I'm just sorry you probably have your own problems and you'll probably just write " hey don't feel bad " or something and go away.. don't get me wrong I really appreciate it but I know I'll be forgotten same as always people i know even forgot me even though i tried to talk.. I don't blame you just know that I'm sorry for too much writing probably wasting your energy by reading so just thank you I hope your desicions your choices will be better than mine any actions you do i hope all of you be better than what i am and hopefully not end up exhausted of everything and tired I'll go to my bed for the rest of the day i guess take care love yourself because i failed and i am a failure for everywhere.

don't be me who can't deserve something.. ask me anything if you have any questions