When the person you love doesn’t support your journey

I don’t know if I’m writing this for advice, for support, or just to say it out loud to people who might understand. Because right now, I feel like I’m fighting a battle I haven’t even had the chance to start

I want to start MJ. I need to start MJ. I’ve spent my whole life trying, every diet, every gym membership and every desperate attempt to lose weight that’s been weighing on me both physically and emotionally for as long as I can remember. And every time, I’ve failed. Not because I didn’t try, not because I didn’t want it enough, but because it felt like my own body was working against me.

And yet, every time I bring up starting MJ, my husband shuts it down. We’ve been married for 10 years now and have two kids. Every time, he ends up saying:

“Why don’t you just try cutting carbs first?” “You’ll just gain it back when you stop.” “This isn’t healthy, you don’t need an injection to fix this.” “I don’t get why you always want a quick fix instead of just putting in the effort.”

It’s exhausting. Every time I almost book the appointment, almost pick up the prescription, almost take that first step - his voice is in my head. And I stop myself. Again and again

And the thing is… I think I’ve started to believe him. Maybe I am just looking for an easy way out. Maybe I will fail like I always have. Maybe I should just accept that this is the body I was given and stop trying to change it.

But deep down, I know that’s not true.

The truth is, he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t know what it feels like to exist in a body that feels like a burden. He doesn’t know what it’s like to step on a scale and feel your stomach drop. He doesn’t understand what it’s like to walk into a shop, pick up a dress you love, and quietly put it back because you already know it won’t fit. He doesn’t know how exhausting it is to try and fail so many times that you start to believe you were never meant to succeed.

And the part that really breaks me?

I don’t think he wants me to change. I don’t think he wants to see me happy in my own skin. Maybe because he’s comfortable with me staying the way I am. Maybe because, deep down, he’s scared of what happens if I actually succeed

And I hate that I’m even questioning it. I love him. We’ve built a life together. We have two kids. And I know he’s not a bad person, but sometimes I wonder if he even realises how much his words impact me

Or maybe he does, and he just doesn’t think it matters.

Because in his mind, he’s right.

He’s always been fit. He goes to the gym five days a week, lifts weights, tracks his macros, never struggled with food the way I have. I have always been there to support him in his fitness journey, whether it’s by being his cheerleader or in small ways such as doing all his meals prep so he can be on track with his macros. I’ve given up my career for his career and I look after a full house. But I just don’t seem to be getting the same support I feel. He’ll say things like “You don’t need MJ, you just need discipline,” like I haven’t spent years hating myself for not having enough of it. He’ll tell me “You just have to want it bad enough,” as if wanting it isn’t something I’ve lived with every single day of my life.

I think what scares me the most isn’t just his words. It’s the way he looks at me when I bring it up. The eye rolls. The little laugh. That shift in his voice, like I’m a child who doesn’t know what’s best for her own body.

Because if I lose this weight, if I change, if I finally become the version of myself I’ve always wanted to be… what happens to us? Will he still love me the same way? Will he still look at me the same way? Or is he comfortable with me staying this way because it makes him feel secure. Because it makes him feel like the one in control.

I don’t want to believe that. But it’s there. That tiny, nagging thought in the back of my mind, whispering that maybe he doesn’t want me to succeed.

And yet, I still haven’t started.

I almost booked the appointment last week. Had some details and a code from a friend pulled up on my phone, ready to go and find out more about where to order from. And then I heard his voice in my head. “Do you really want to be on meds for the rest of your life?” And then those “eye rolls” and that “laugh.” And I put my phone down. Again.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so worthless and it feels like I am failing him. I don’t want to fight him on this, but I also don’t want to keep fighting myself. If anyone else has been through this… how do you break free? How do you let yourself believe in something when the person closest to you doesn’t?