I feel like a mess

2 years ago I moved to a new school due to bullying and being left out always, I lost all my friends, meanwhile my mum has been neglecting me and my little brother since I was 12. No food in the house ever, I ate ketchup or crackers for dinner and was very underweight, she was always drunk and horrible I never knew if she was coming back- she was dating someone in another country and would frequently disappear. 2 years ago she got another boyfriend who was my dads friend- not anymore because of that. He is a druggy and now she does drugs and always parties and openly hates me.

I started buying weekly food shops at 16 because I didn't want me and my brother to go hungry and I'd drink a lot and party to cope. I would work late on school nights doing closes (often till early hours) and missed a tonne of school as a result. Last year at a party I got SA'd. I stopped partying tried to focus on school but I was always so exhausted and depressed. 3 other boys I thought were my friends were creepy to me and I had to cut them out and lost a lot more friends as a result. My mum's new boyfriend we all know is a creep especially to me and threatens us a lot. I got my first boyfriend but now he is being bad too, threatening to kill himself if I leave and not letting me see my friends.

I had exams to get into uni so I quit my job and really tried getting my shit together, so I moved in with my dad and studied 8-10 hours a day. I have done my exams and hope to get away but my boyfriend plans on following me and my mum hasn't text once in the month and a half I've been gone.

I know I'm smart so I will get the grades to get away from here but I'm so tired of everything, it's always one thing after another and I just feel worthless. I'm really trying my best but I don't know, I just want everything to stop. I struggle with making myself sick and cutting and I just feel hopeless and stay in my bed a lot.

I know no-one will probably see this but it feels nice I guess to get everything out somewhere.