Reflecting on Missed Signs and Finding Strength Through My Mom’s Cancer Journey

Hi all. First time posting here, but I’ve been a member and a quiet reader since my mom was diagnosed earlier this year.

I’m not exactly sure why I finally built up the courage to post. Maybe I’m looking for support? Guidance? Or just a place to vent?

My mom (68f) was diagnosed with stage IV adenocarcinoma in February of this year. For some background, she’s a very active, independent woman and, of course, used to be a smoker. She smoked for many years and had lung nodules, for which she was getting yearly PET scans to monitor for changes. She tried quitting several times but just couldn’t. In the summer of 2022, she had a PET scan, and her PCP said the results were normal/unchanged but referred her to a pulmonologist in case her condition “got too much for her to handle.” Of course, my mom didn’t call the pulmonologist and went on with her life after getting the all clear from another year of scans. During this time, I had moved from our home state of Pennsylvania to California, so I wasn’t present in person.

In the summer of 2023, she was apparently feeling more fatigued and started experiencing crackling sounds at night when breathing and lying flat. She didn’t tell anyone about this, so I had no idea something was wrong. In 2023, her PCP also retired, and she got a new one who wouldn’t order the PET scans, saying she didn’t have cancer, so it wasn’t necessary. When I was home for Christmas in December 2023, I heard her wheezing and thought she had pneumonia, so I took her to the doctor. She had a CT scan in January 2024, which confirmed pneumonia diagnosis and also revealed masses in her chest. They biopsied the largest mass in January, and her first oncology appointment in February confirmed the stage IV lung cancer diagnosis. During this initial oncology appointment, they also reviewed her 2022 PET scan, which, according to the oncologist, showed signs of cancer even back then—at stage I. So, essentially, from summer 2022 to her diagnosis in 2024, the cancer had just continued to grow and grow.

My mom of course blames herself for not going sooner. But like everyone does, she thought this couldn’t be me. We have been through a lot of trauma in our lives, and my mom has worked so hard so she just thought karma was on her side. Foolish I know. I think she was also scared to admit to herself that she needed to go to the doctor. She had several physicals and doctor follow ups as well, none of which alerted her to any issues with her health. And at the time accounted her fatigue to her age and crackling to her smoking.

In January 2024, she quit smoking as soon as she got the CT scan and realized the news wasn’t good. In the grand scheme of things, she’s doing relatively well with chemo and immunotherapy. The masses are shrinking, but ultimately, there is no cure. I moved back as soon as I could in March of this year.

I know there’s no going back, but I’m struggling so much to cope with this news. My mom spends nights thinking about all the “what ifs”: What if she’d called the pulmonologist? What if the doctor had told her more? What if she’d quit sooner? What if she’d gotten treatment at stage I—would she be past this by now? Did her PCP overlook something on the scan? I just have so many questions, even though none of it changes anything.

All this to say, cancer truly sucks. I have no idea where life will lead us, but I wish all of you the strength to keep moving forward. Please pray for us, and I’d love any advice or words of encouragement. ❤️