Not sure why I do this to myself

For the most part I have not bothered myself with pain shopping since that initial moment when I discovered his betrayal.

Tonight I have been having a really, really bad time of it and for some reason decided it would be a good idea to use a search website to look up any usernames I knew he would use.

It is so much worse than I realised, I have not even been trickle truthed I've just outright been deceived as to the actual volume of what he was consuming. So many websites, places I never even knew existed. The internet is a horrible, horrible place.

I don't know what I thought I was going to do with this information. I knew I would find things I didn't want to, but I did it anyway. Why am I killing myself over someone who betrayed me and stomped on my every boundary? There was no respect there. No thought for me or my feelings.

I am so angry, sad, nauseated.

I don't think I can do this, I don't think I can ever forgive what he's made me feel, about him yes, but worse how he's made me feel about myself.

I am not this person. I was a confident, independent, successful, level headed woman who took no bullshit. And tonight I've been reduced to a wreck crying in the bathroom so my kids don't see me. Over a man.

I'm sorry for the language but fuck.this.shit. I don't deserve it.