How to survive the flatline?

So I think we’ve hit the flatline stage of all this. I’m STRUGGLING. Yesterday was my birthday, a day he historically has ruined. Last year, I walked in on him PMOing after rejecting me 5 mins before. That was the beginning of my boundaries going up. We spent the morning having a conversation bc I had a bit of a mental breakdown. And that convo just left me feeling very empty and stole some of my hope. Anyways, he’s in recovery and he seems to be doing good, but we’ve hit that spot now where his libido has tanked and he’s having ED.

I’m trying to give him some grace. We are in our mid 40’s. ED is a thing that happens at this age. Not to mention his depression is out of control rn. But it just feels like more rejection and I’m just to the point where I can’t take anymore and survive this. I had the realization yesterday that I’ve never been anyone’s first choice. I stupidly thought that since we had been best friends for a decade before we got together and he supposedly was in love with me that whole time, that he would be the one to choose me. I was wrong. It kinda seems like he’s not attracted to me, or maybe he just gave up all his sexual function to randos for the last 10 yrs and now it just doesn’t work anymore. That sucks.

How did y’all get thru this? Is it going to be ok? Or is his brain permanently fried and if he can’t have the porn then his dick doesn’t want anything else? I hate this. I seriously don’t want to exist anymore. He’s taken so much from me already. Now I might just be SOL bc he broke himself and his stupid dopamine receptors. I’m lost.