religion is scaring me. don’t know where else to put this. please give this post a chance. vent/advice needed.

hi.

I, 18F, have recently gotten into recreational use of weed. I have used it from time to time but it’s been only now that I have managed to get a good supply of it, enough to last me at least a month.

All was well, aside from a few friends who seem to give me weird looks because of it. My parents don’t know of my consumption, which for reasons that are important i’ll mention is less than 3 sessions per week, and therefore I have to hide everything and smoke in secret.

After one of my smoke sessions, my mom noticed the smell. She says she has a very good nose and could tell there was a scent mixed with my perfume but she thought it was my drain. That didn’t scare me, what did was her telling me that night she had a horrible nightmare where I was surrounded by smoke and whenever she got near me the dream wouldn’t allow her to get closer. That obviously freaked me out a little, and began installing these feelings of guilt inside me, as if I’m a monster for using that kind of substance.

I tried to remind myself I’m already considered an adult where I live and as such I am granted access to other substances like alcohol and cigarettes. A close friend also comforted me.

I had another session not long after and I felt great. I felt connected with myself, music sounded like I was listening to it for the first time and I felt happy and confident in myself as a person, something I haven’t felt in quite a while.

Today, my mom frequented her hoodoo gathering.

She came back with what she said was a gift from one of the spirits, packed by them and with a note written down by one of the helpers. If you’re unaware, at least over here how it works is some people will get possessed in a voluntary manner and those spirits will guide others in need of help. It was a simple paper envelope, wrapped with two white ribbons.

Inside, as promised was the note, and a small silver key.

The note at first explained the purpose of the key. For me to hold onto it and either use it to “close” things that scare me or “open” new possibilities. But then further on it went:

“But I don’t like what I see, I’m not mad but I ask you not to go down this path, it might deter good vibrations and be bad for your health, throw it away. Don’t let it into your life. You know what you have to throw away. If you need help always come talk to me (…) the key to your life is in your hands (…) but the girl (me) can’t do what I see. Throw that away from your life. Your future is wonderful it all depends on you.”

Now this, as expected, very much frightened me. I have enough reason to believe this did not come from my mother. I have never told anyone about smoking.

I’m completely torn. On one hand, I am using it responsibly, it makes me feel connected with myself and I still have a large amount left. I want to get high with that friend of mine and experience all sorts of songs under the influence. Inside, I have no desire to just throw that all away.

On the other, I was raised with this religion. I don’t want to not follow one of their requests. I don’t want to risk making my life miserable as it puts it. I don’t want to enrage this spirit. I’m once again filled with these feelings of guilt and it feels like someone else’s morals are being shoved down my throat.

Please give me any sort of advice. I have been non stop crying. I’m worried and I don’t know what to do. Thank you so much for your time.