baby spit up on me.

little backstory/context: had my family thanksgiving today/last night, my oldest cousin has a ten month old baby. even though ik babies spit up i don’t let that keep me from holding him. my cousin and the baby were getting ready to leave. i picked him up to say goodbye, he burped as i brought him to me but i didn’t think much of it for some reason, i gave him a couple hugs and then he spit up. it went on my chest and on my fucking HAIR. i looked at it and then the smell hit me and i looked away. i started crying softly but also tried to keep calm. my cousin came over and took him from me, she asked if i was okay and then if i wanted my mom. she doesn’t really know abt my phobia so she was probably confused but wtvr. my mom came up, i told her to get it off of me. she wiped my shirt and tried to get it out of my hair. i slowly kept crying harder while trying not to look or smell it. thankfully no one else was in the room with me but i was still embarrassed and started beating myself up.

i went upstairs to my bedroom to change my shirt. i took off my sweater and started having a small panic attack, heavy/fast/shallow breaths and sobbing. i was trying my absolute hardest to calm down. it took me like 5 minutes to calm down-ish… i went to my bathroom and rinsed my hair. i got another whiff of the smell and started crying again. i put fucking hand soap in my hair, desperately trying to help it smell better. once it smelled a little better i went back to my room and put scented oil in my hair to help it even more. once i collected myself i went back downstairs.

about an hour later everyone left. i was sitting on the couch, quiet, almost zoned out, playing games on my phone to distract myself as i waited for everyone to leave. then i washed my hair THOROUGHLY in the bathroom sink. i put a bunch of scented products and then i was fine… this is the first moment in years that ive smelled it and it was so fucking triggering i can’t even describe it. i’ve seen him spit up before and i get a little uncomfortable but this is the first time he’s spit up on my clothes, close to my face. he’s spit up on my arm once but i didnt see it happen and my cousin wiped it up quickly. i seriously can’t believe this happened tbh. i’m so mad that i get so upset, it’s so fucking embarrassing. now i’m so scared to hold him again. i’ll see him again for christmas in a month, ig ill see how i do.

long ass rant/storytime. any advice or comments will ofc be appreciated and helpful, thanks for reading 🫶🏻