I’ve just left

I’ve just left

Can anyone offer advice please. I was in a very serious relationship for 4 years, 6 months in my partner started getting verbally rude & loud when drinking, this then turned into when he was sober & this then turned into physical violence. I’d like to clarify the physical incidents were not very often, they ranged in things from throwing shoving to biting hair pulling hitting and just general aggression.

Also prior to the problems starting he was unable to be any kinder or more supportive or make me feel any more loved than he did, he was truly the best partner I’d ever had. Anyhow somewhere along the line the verbal stuff became my normal, I never got any less upset but I also was more expectant of it happening, it would range from odd snappy comments to outright screaming shouting that could last hours, with insults vulgar comments truly cruel things being said to me & said with like real hatrid and disgust. Sometimes I’d argue back sometimes I’d just beg him to love me. Every time I’d be hysterical and every time I’d be to blame at the root of it, in his words “I change my ways he won’t need to be cruel / angry” I’m by no means perfect I definitely started to get more depressed which then annoyed him more & I lost interest in being intimate which then became another problem

Sometimes I left because I couldn’t take it, he’d often threaten to break up with me, it felt chaotic I never knew what to expect & I just felt & feel so useless

But before or after sometimes even alongside the being not very nice to me he’d be calm and fine and even lovely planning our future ect

2 weeks ago he got verbal in the street with me after he was drinking, small argument and I said I was going home (we didn’t live together) basically he wouldn’t let me leave, pushing shoving locking doors and somehow scratched / poked my eye resulting in abrasions to my eyeball. I had to ring 999 and that’s how I got out of the house when they arrived

He’s now on bail for assault & they are looking at adding other offences

I was terrified in the house, I used to feel I could predict and manage his temper but I couldn’t this night

I’ve not allowed myself to think or miss him since this, every thought I’ve had I’ve just forced myself to remember how scared I was. But this has stopped working, I feel like have I made a mistake, am I over reacting am I to blame have I thrown away my person who loved me despite our problems, I can only think of good times we had, I feel sad and scared and guilty and doubting myself

I don’t know what to do or think anymore