Just writing

Sometimes you just can’t get back what you lost. I feel like there are reminder’s all around me. Some hurt me and some seem like they are too old to really matter. It’s hard to change and not have it mean anything to people. It’s really discouraging. Of course you’re supposed to change for yourself but what if yourself want to be forgiven or to get a new chance at things they want for their future. Trying everything to be a better person after suck awful actions. Spending months trying to rid yourself of addiction and bad habits. Feeling alone and depressed. Grieving loss and regretting a lot of things. People say be patient but if you’re patient you might miss out on some things that you’ve always dreamed of. Consequences I guess. Are they too severe? I think it’s harder for the people dishing out the consequences to understand that the pain is enough because they don’t feel your pain and just want you to hurt. If people don’t give you a chance you have to keep up with the changes you made because dropping back into bad habits is just a loss. Trying your hardest because you want things that are not bad. Not scummy or gross. Just regular every day things. Is that being entitled? Am I entitled? Am I just a brat? Am I being childish? I know I deserve consequences but what is enough? I feel hurt and I’m devastated by loss and fear. I feel helpless and hopeless.