I witnessed my boyfriend got raped and I didn't believe him

Sorry this is long. I'm sorry for the throwaway account. As you can see from the title, I'm not a good person and I do not wish to get sympathy or justification from any of this. I just need it r/offmychest

I'm a 34 years old woman. Ten years ago I was dating my then-boyfriend. He was a wonderful person and our relationship had been getting serious at that time. We already talked about marriage and our future at the time. Things were perfect until one day I got home and I heard noises from our bedroom. I was shocked to see my sister on top of my boyfriend, doing you know what. I made my presence known and she jumped off of him. I didn't stay there for more than a second because I was too angry to think of any other response. I could hear him trying to call out for me, screaming and crying, but my mind was too fucked up from seeing what was happening in our bed to let myself face him. I left without listening to him.

I went to my parents's place crying and upset and told them my boyfriend was cheating on me with my sister, I told them what I saw. Or at least what I think I saw. I mean, their pants were off, she was moaning, anyone would think that's what was happening. And that's when it started.

For the next few days, my then-boyfriend tried to reach out to me by my phone and my parents'. He left voice notes. I heard him trying to explain that he didn't want it, my sister was forcing herself on him, he tried to stop her, and other things but honestly I was already too upset to even process what he tried to tell me. He also came to my parent's house a lot of times because he wanted to talk to me. I could hear him from my room crying and begging to my parents to see me. I didn't let him. Like I said, I already decided in my mind he betrayed me and I refused to hear any explanations. The texts still came in. Most of them are him saying sorry what happened. He still came to my mom and dad, and sometimes I heard them talking and him crying while I still locked myself in my room. And yet, I still refused to listen.

My parents, they are better people than me. After a week, my parents started telling me I may need to talk to him because I need to listen to his side. Back then I saw this as an act of betrayal from their part because why would they side with someone who had hurt me? So I shut them down too. I really was too clouded with my own initial judgement that he was an active participant in that event that I failed to recognize that he was the victim. I failed to recognize he was hopeless at that point. I failed to see he was crying for help.

In one of those texts, he begged me to rewind what went on that day because he was sure if I saw what happened, I would've seen that he tried to stop it as much as he could but my sister was the one holding him down. But truth is I didn't know what I saw either. I was only there for a few seconds before leaving in anger, and all I know is they had sex. I didn't pick up on any details he claimed. So I blocked him but he kept finding ways to text me. And my parents, they wanted to give me some time but they insisted I should still see him.

During all this, I heard nothing from my sister at all. After coming to my parents, I texted her how could she do this to me, and then blocked her. I didn't talk to her at all but I know my parents had contacts with her and were as angry at her as I was.

Then one day I was informed through email that she was pregnant. The timing matched and I broke down. She asked to meet again with me and my then-boyfriend. A few days later I went to her place and he's also there. She sat us down to talk about the pregnancy. He wanted my sister to get an abortion. She wanted to carry it. Then things went off and my then-boyfriend got on his knees and started crying, crawled to my sister and begged for her to terminate the baby, saying his life would be ruined forever. This man looked absolutely crushed. And my sister responded with the single sickest cruelest and most disturbing words I ever heard, "I'm going to keep this baby. You can't do anything about it. You can't force me. You're gonna stuck to me for life." It was then that I realized my sister was the evil one in this situation, not him. He cried harder and I moved to make him stand up. After all, I loved him and seeing him this hurt hurted me too. We exited my sister's house with him still holding onto me, saying sorry over and over. I felt so disgusted with myself but even after seeing him break down like this, my pride won again. I only held him a few minutes and left after saying we could talk later about this.

The next day I got the news that he had killed himself. In our home. He left a short note that said, "I'm sorry I don't think I can live with this." The event leading to his death happened so fast I was overwhelmed and almost went down the spiral. Only few knew the details of what happened. At his funeral many people came to me offering their condolences, even his parents, who said I meant so much to their son. I couldn't describe how big the guilt I felt because I knew I had a part in his death. Because I didn't trust him.

I was in denial for a while about what happened to him but after reading his texts to me again, I realized how much I fucked up. It was obvious he was desperate, it SHOULD be obvious, but I was already dead set that he was to blame. He never straight up said he was raped, probably because he himself couldn't process that what happened was rape, but he was violated and helpless and I turned my back on him. I should've listened to him. I was a bad girlfriend. He was desperate for my help but I blocked him away. When he needed my support the most I didn't believe him. I felt sick and disgusted with myself. I put myself in his position Feeling absolutely hopeless while someone sexually assaulted you, wishing for anyone to step in to save you, then you see your partner there thinking they would stop it and save you from all of this, but instead of helping they flee and get angry at you for something you don't wish to happen. Trying everything to get them to listen that you were violated but they refused. Then finding out there's going to be a child that would remind you forever of how you've been taken advantage of, and in your final plea for help, your partner still left you alone... I'm sorry. It pained me so much realizing what a monster I was. And the pain I felt still couldn't compare to what he's gone through. I was sick. I always placed myself as the victim and refused to acknowledge otherwise. I realized how much I must have hurt him in his last days. I'm a monster.

My family completely cut my sister off after that. I only met her once a few months later to get closure. She didn't straight up say that she raped my boyfriend, but she totally admitted that she was forcing him the whole time. And she already terminated the fetus because according to her, the kid would be "no use since he(my bf)'s already dead." It made me sick. We never had the best relationship. She had always been a mean person growing up, but this.. This was straight up evil. It's disgusting and I couldn't see her the same way again. Needless to say I cut contact with that rapist and never talked to her since.

The reason I'm posting this is because I feel I needed to say it out loud. Next week would be the 10 years since his death. As the days got closer, I once again was reminded how horribly I treated this angel of a person in his last days. I should've been there to support him and BELIEVED him, but all I did was shut him down and made him feel it was his fault too. I know I was a horrible person, not even a horrible partner but a horrible person in general. He was desperate for anyone to hear him, and I wasn't there. If only I weren't so stubborn maybe we could get through this together. Maybe just MAYBE if I stuck around we could find a way out through law justice or at least through counseling and I could help him testify his story, because I was there! I witnessed his rape but what did I do? I blamed him and blocked him from getting access to the only person who could save him. But I was so focused in my own judgement of him, I couldn't trust him enough when he was suffering. I went to therapy. People told me I wasn't to blame but I know that's not true. Saying I wasn't to blame it's like saying my sister wasn't to blame. We both had equal part to this. We both hurt this wonderful man and drove him to suicide.

It's been 10 years. He was a smart, kind, loving, hardworking man. He could be something if it wasn't for this. Everything happened so fast. I wish I could turn back time and just listened to him. I wish I hadn't turn down his attempts to talk to me. I wish I could support him through the most traumatic event anyone could go through. I wish he had survived. I wish I could be there beside him or even just watching from the sideline when he can finally proudly say he was a victim of rape, and survived. But none of that happened because I was a self-centred brat.

I think in the end, all I have to say is; believe your men. Rape can happen to men too, and they need our support more than anything. They may not even realize it. My then-boyfriend, I still think in his death he, blamed himself because he couldn't see himself as a rape victim. And there are some things male victims have that us women simply can't relate to. Listen to these men when they tried to talk to you about what happened to them. Don't be like me and regret it because I realized it too late. And it could happen to anyone. Our relationship was perfect, I didn't saw it coming and because of that I reacted in the wrong way, and it costed him his life. I acted fully on anger and now I regret it more than anything. Just, please, listen to your partner. Be a good partner and listen to them. Let them talk. And most importantly, please, believe rape victims.

. . . . EDIT: okay guys please stop!! I don't want to and I don't need to explain what happened in DETAILS because I DON'T KNOW. And even if I do I don't NEED to. I said he was raped, that should be enough. My boyfriend already tried to tell me he was forced and my sister ADMITTED that she forced him! That's enough! That is rape! I don't need any of you people questioning the validity of his rape, and if you feel like you need to, DON'T. As to what exactly happened that day, only him and her knew exactly how it went down. He's dead. And I would burn my liver inside out rather than hear my sister tell me HOW she RAPED my boyfriend in DETAILS. So PLEASE STOP ASKING! You guys are SICK. And for the people who insists he's to blame here, or that he cheated on me, or as far as to say he's manipulative, STOP. He's DEAD. He's suffered ENOUGH. Please direct your criticisms towards me. Stop invalidating his rape!!!