Does anyone feel like bipolar is actually killing them?

I can see a life without it. I can see glimpses where I feel peace, even contentedness. Like looking through a window into another soul.

And then I have to go to work. Or socialize. Or sweep the floor. The action is enough to drain me for hours and wallow in pity because I'm irritated existing. I'm irritated talking, bathing, not laying in bed. Being awake injures my soul.

I actually feel this life is not of quality enough to sustain. I think bipolar actually kills some people. I think the suffering is actually not endurable for some. This is a life of pain. Some feel less than others, but for some it is an immense weight carried each day more than some experience in a lifetime.

It's not depression. It's an understanding that life is too hard. The body isn't feeling a low mood, it's feeling pain. That the suffering overcomes the tranquility. The joy and laughter is undertoned with pain. And the relief never really comes because it's relief that lasts with the small look of a cat, a sense of understanding from a partner, or an empathetic gesture from a stranger. Seconds of contentedness that will only return in another season. Not in a week, a month, a day.

Suicide is a valiant decision for some. I feel like I will experience death from this disease, a new light to be shone. It will kill me eventually.

Thank you for listening.