Son has big passion about marijuana, and it breaks my heart — help?

If life wasn’t stressful enough now as it is in general living in the heart of South Africa, it definitely is, I am totally at a loss as to how to handle the change in my last-born (18M). I am feeling like I have lost the kid I once knew, and it is ripping my heart apart. I thought I knew him, but now I do not even feel like I know him anymore.

To fill you in a bit, my son was a bright and aspiring kid. When he was younger, he wished to be an engineer or a chemist. He was fond of science. I used to tell him, 'live those dreams, and I felt as if he had such a bright future ahead of him. I was so proud of him, watching him doing small projects and honing his skills. But in the last two years or so, something has changed.

He's completely obsessed with DJing, being a guitarist and weed now, and it's like everything else in his life has fallen by the way. His passion for science seems to have gone out the window, and now he's fixated on weed growing and trying to make the weed business a career. I thought at first it was a phase, maybe even an experiment. But the more I see, the more I realize this, it is now a full-on hobby, it's his whole identity now.

He's been trying to get help to set up a full cannabis grow operation. I had originally thought that he was interested in growing plants in general, perhaps vegetables and fruits, and thus said maybe I could try assist with LED grow lights, climate control systems, and heat mats later on. Now I am kind of older age wise so I tend to have a mindset of confusing things with things but then it snapped back that it was about marijuana, that was when he said one of his wishes for a birthday or graduation gift, for the end of the year was a high-end dry herb vaporizer with Bluetooth, and I asked him if he was sane. I am fully aware that cannabis is legal where I am, but I could not care less about this idiotic ruling, nor do I fail to understand why he is so obsessed about it, nor do I agree with or approve of that. Let alone spending money on a device that will destroy his life in style. I don’t care if I broke a promise to him, I told him on a change of mind I will not be helping with his grow or equipment. Neither do I understand how involved with it he is that he is NOT EVEN AFRAID TO BE TELLING ME ALL OF THIS.

The worst part is when he just goes on and on about this being his passion and him doing what he wants to do, his dreams, his career, but it doesn't sound like the dreams that I knew. I miss the son who was interested in chemistry, who wanted to build and create things. Now it sounds like everything is about cannabis and DJing, and I just can't keep up. He's saying I'm not backing him, that I'm destroying his future, but I simply can't condone what he's doing.

One of the most upsetting moments was when he gave me a cannabis leaf in resin, as a memento, and said that it would be a piece of him in case something happens and he "goes out there or dies." He said that it would help me to remember him, and that just hurt so badly. I do love my son, but I just cannot condone something like this.

I've attempted to set boundaries, but it's like whatever I say, I'm in the wrong. He'll go on saying things such as, "If you aren't going to help me now, I'll just save up and do it myself," or "Can't you at least help me afterward as a gift?," I asked him whether he was in his senses still, I even told him that he could speak with his dad (who stays overseas and already warned us that he does not want us getting involved in drugs in any possible way) if he so wished to, but that too didn't pan out. Things have escalated to the point where I’ve threatened to talk to his teachers, his principal, his father (who lives outside the country and would likely not react well to either me or my son after finding out about drugs and my son) and even involve the police if he continues to push these boundaries. Whatever it takes to pull him back. We even go as far as fighting and him breaking down over this.

Yes, breaking down because I won't allow him to do something with these stupid NARCOTICS, like any reasonable mother would, no matter how much I try to guide him, it's like the more I push away, the more he drifts away from me. Breaking down like a child, it’s like he has a heart for narcotics. He had wanted to be an engineer, a chemist, somebody who was going to do something and have a future in something tangible. Now it's like he's completely obsessed with music and marijuana, and I don't know how to reconcile that with the person I had wanted him to be.

He told be all about his dream to be a “budtender” and further into the cannabis industry, that it went beyond recreational use and went onto medicine and even some stupid “biological art of breeding strains” and how it was an eco friendly material for practical use. HE EVEN mentioned joining a marijuana growing club. He started getting more and more agitated and adamant about it, and I felt like I was losing my son to this obsession. The more I said no, the more he acted out, the more emotional he became.

He must be out of his mind if he thinks his father or I will allow him to pursue a career in the cannabis industry. I couldn't even wrap my head around the idea that he seriously thinks either his father or I will approve of this decision. It is legal where it is legalized, but no way is this the method for him when there are so many things unknown about it. And my own values aren't dependent on it either. The worst is the way he talks about it like he's going to "change the world." It's as if he's the next great thinker in the field or something, and all I can think is that he's completely out of touch with the real world. And to top it all off, he really believes that he'll be able to make a living doing it. I understand being passionate, but there is no logical reason to bet everything on something so unpredictable and unreliable. The more he continues, the more I fear he's chasing a pipe dream and foregoing what could be a more secure, successful future.

If he requires that kind of assistance, then he will have to go out on his own and receive it from another person because I am his mother, not theirs. I love him more than anything else in this world, and the reason why I am not capable of approving this way of life is due to the love for him. I've remained with him, trying to guide him along a path toward a secure, solid life with real possibility. As his parent, I do have the responsibility to set boundaries and make him understand that some choices just will not cut it here in this house. He's being ingratitude itself, and it pains me to see him reject the support I've provided him over the years. If he's so adamant about this, he'll have to do it on his own, without my assistance, because my loving him means that I must want the best possible future for him. I just want to help him. I want him to have a bright future, but I fear that this cannabis addiction will take him down the wrong path. I just feel like I am in this cycle where I am attempting to set boundaries, yet each time I do, I encounter resistance, and it only makes matters worse. I love my son and will always help him for the right things, but now he is just becoming a bully to me, asking me “don’t you love me…please help me?” “I will always share everything with you and want to” using those tactics to pressure me, ultimately unappreciative brat pressuring me to allow him to work with literal DRUGS. He even tells me our relationship will be crippled if this tension carries on, excuse me?! I feel demotivated as a parent and like I have wasted my efforts.