how wasteful

I took notice of a boy in my class, somebody I determined to be “not my type” on the first few months of school, and it’s been 2 months and he’s still on my mind. At first, it was warm and sweet. He made my cheeks hurt (first time I’ve ever felt that way) and my body light. I was thrilled to see him and was giddy when in conversation. Those feelings were undiscovered territories for an arospec like me. It was mutual, too. It could’ve been something. But I was unsure of my feelings. No matter how strong they were around him, I felt like I didn’t like him or that they were actually really weak. So, I put a bounary, and he respected that boundary, and now, we’re back to just being classmates. It’s just sad to think about what we could’ve been. It could’ve been a lot of fun. But I am on the aromantic spectrum and have clinical fucking depression and a tendency to think shit of others. I wish I liked a little stronger. I wish my feelings weren’t so weird. I swear I don’t feel like I like him but I look for him everywhere and I’d buy a bag of chips just so he can ask for some. I still get weirdly weak and giddy when I’m teaching him calculus and he’s oh so close to me. Deep down, I know I don’t like him and I know I’ll be unhappy if I try to pursue something. I don’t know what this is and it fucking sucks.