It’s been seven years. Four duty stations. Three MOSs. A demotion then four promotions. And it’s finally time.

I’m finally ready to confess. I have no idea how to mop. I never understood it and I’ve been faking it for years.

Like what, do I just slop water on the ground and wipe it back up? How much do I wring it out? Do I do a wet pass then a dry pass? Am I scrubbing? Back and forth or side to side?

I can buff, sure. I’m a whiz with that thing. I’ll polish it up so you can Tom Cruise slide across it all day.

I can sweep. Anyone can sweep. The dust goes into the dust pan. It’s basic subtraction.

But the mop? The water? The bucket? It’s dirty water! The second I put the mop on the ground then back in the bucket I’m just smearing section 1A of the floor all over section 1B and 2A! That’s like washing your knife after cutting chicken by scrubbing it in a bowl and then washing your salad in that same bowl. It’s disgusting.

If you want me to just make the floor wet give me a bucket and a squeegee. I’ll at least be able to push the grime in a direction. Then I can soak it up with the mop ONE TIME instead of just smearing everything everywhere.

It’s asinine and I’m tired of pretending it’s not.

My name is CombatAutist, I’m a Staff NCO, and I don’t know how to mop.