Here I am again

Not sure if this is really the right sub, cause I don't consider myself really a detransitioner (even though I'm FtMtNB but I've been always non-binary, just denied it enough to convince people that I'm a man and be bothered by that) but I think that a real struggle for a lot of us is that we can't really express our gender.

I have urges to go out with really revealing clothes, but I fucking hate to be perceived as a possible attractive woman (and I say specifically this because every time I dressed up for clubbing I've been bothered by straight cis men) let alone to be mortified for my body hair, or even worse be hate crimed for it. I fear for my life when I go to the bathroom, I feel like I don't pass enough as one gender to choose one. If I go to the women's one I have to be careful to cover my beard ( I can't grow a full one, but it's still visible if I don't shave it) and if I go to the men's one I have to fear that some ego fragile macho says something mean about my fashion style and andro-fem apperience or worse.

I just want to feel sexy and be dressed as a goth goddess without being a woman. I just want to be a random guy who isn't afraid to show his body, I'm not gonna be miserable just because transmeds and cis people tell me that I have to, but I can't because everything in this world is gendered (aka a prison). I hate that I have to prove something that I'm not/I don't want to be respected. I don't wish to have been born a male because I don't fucking care of having a penis or a flat chest, but I wish to have been born in a world where misogyny and queerphobia didn't exist. But I can't, so I have to fake that I want to be a "real" man and that I'm just too gay to dress like a straight one.

Sometimes I don't feel comfortable to be who I am in trans spaces, they're too full of "binary" trans people, that everything that exempts from man and woman is an abomination and a treat for their identity. I say that I don't care of what other people say or think, that I don't mind if someone misgendered me, if they just see me as a girl even though they try to hide it, but I can't. I care, and it breaks me to be invisible. It's not dysphoria but the feeling of being so insignificant that people can choose not to respect your wishes.

Just needed to vent tbh, but if you have some insight on this kind of situation or just want to share your personal experience, feel free to do so