School is stressing me out to the max

Hi. I’m not typically the kind of person that is open about how I feel, but I’ve been dealing with so much stress over the past few months. Have you ever felt like every aspect of your life is falling apart? That’s how I feel, especially in terms of my academics. I’m just never able to achieve my full potential, and it pisses me off. I see people breeze through school with so much prowess and confidence. It’s not like I’m envious of them, but I do compare myself a lot, and I do wish that I can get there one day.

It all came to a head today, at my parent teacher consultation. Safe to say that it did not go well, and my parents are pissed. I’ve already been through so much with school, and I work so hard, but I still think I could do so much better. One mistake, one blunder, stuck out like a sore thumb, completely ruining my chances of receiving positive feedback from them. I will admit, it was bad, and I’ve never done so badly before. I’m so embarrassed, engulfed by shame, frustration and self-hatred. 24 percent. That number is etched into my brain, scorched and branded on my name. I am a 24, that’s my identity.

My self-worth has been set alight. I am spiraling faster than I can control. I’ve revisited dark, dormant meadows in my mind, which I haven’t seen in a while. I wish I could say that it doesn’t affect me, but I’ve been punched square in the face by feelings of inferiority and doubt.

I’m pissed, upset and borderline inconsolable. I’m not only pissed about the circumstances, but I’m also pissed at myself. I need to be better. I need to be one of the best. I need to show people that I am not incompetent. Maybe I am incompetent? Is this really what the problem is? Am I fighting a losing battle? Will things ever work out?

This whole vent is quite silly, but it feels nice to get these feelings off my chest. If you’ve read until the end, I hope you have a great day.