Help from where?

I just got fired from my my fifty first job and now I'm smoking cigarettes and drinking a beer. Oh I'm not suicidal, I'm just venting because nothing in my life is what I want it to be and I wish there was some outside source that I could blame but unfortunately it's just my own perception. My own neglect that has caused me to lose my job. I'm probably going to end up losing my family. + I'm smoking a lot of weed so that the THC can numb the pain. But it's not really working. I just want to figure a way to make it out of the bull crap. Some type of new perspective where I can see everything is great. Everything is brand. Unfortunately I'm married to someone who's not on attract to me, neither am I to them. I've got seven kids who I'm estranged from because of Nicholas and narcissistic bullcrap selfish tendencies that I have. I'm not the victim. I'm the one that is causing the problem. Because of the choices I've made unfortunately suiciders and a valuable option so I still have to live