The Ghost of You

My words escape me most days.
I try to explain how life is now that you are gone,
Trying to muster up a few lines of dialogue,
A sentence to explain a feeling,
To describe the absence of both a nightmare and a dream.

For my brain has split you in two.
The woman I fell in love with —
Flawless and kind,
A statuette of honesty and love,
Who wiped my tears with a comforting smile
Telling me in every glance
Every gesture
Every word
Just how much she loved me.

And then there is you —
The real you.
The nightmare I fear each time I close my eyes,
The eggshells beneath my feet,
The shake in my knee,
The flinch.
How I fear you.
How I wish I had never come your way.
How I hate myself
For ever giving you a second chance.
Every break,
Every scream,
Everything in between the façade you wore
Was the beginning of the end of my sanity.

But who are you, truly?
For every day, a part of me misses you —
Your touch,
Your kiss,
Your love.
But every time I see you
And that look in your eyes,
I watch myself fall apart all over again,
Terrified of the darkness
I never wished to return to.

I wonder —
Is it you I truly miss,
Or do I just miss being loved?
Does my mind care if it was fake,
If it meant I could feel that warmth again?

And every day I wake,
Drowning in these unanswerable questions,
Gaslighting myself —
Maybe I was overreacting.
Maybe you truly were perfect.
And maybe I did cry.
And maybe I did fear,
And run,
And panic,
And fall apart in every way imaginable.
But you said you loved me.
And made me toasties for breakfast.
And kissed me with a softness that I still don’t understand.
And now, I have no clue of what to do now that you are gone.

How do I combat my rage with my dying heart,
To end the feud,
To wake up tomorrow,
And forget you exist
How do I rest this endless headache
Caused by my fear
That one day
My dreams of having you back
Will come true

I still have no clear words for what you’ve left me as.
For now, I sit in silence,
Remembering these sides of you,
Questioning my sanity,
My own truths,
If I can truly trust myself.
Life without you has not started,
Because every day
Is another day spent
Falling apart all over again —
Another day haunted by the past;
Another day wishing for you.