Holidays awaken the grief over lost loved ones

[TW: Death] I (34F) lost my mom to COVID over 3 years ago. Because I was the last one with her before she was brought to the ICU, I contracted the virus too from her. This was so frustrating kasi days ito before my vaccination schedule, and for her, it was the exact day of hers sana. It was at the height of the restrictions din and I was quarantined at a facility when she passed. I cried so much alone in a quarantine ward, but I had to make calls with relatives, the columbary, the hospital, etc. Noong time na yun, parang kaya naman, laban lang. But looking back, traumatic pala siya.

I have tried to live normally after that pero syempre, grief doesn't leave us. With mom, because there were no funerals allowed then, it felt like her passing gave me no closure. We had a lot of disagreements, but a few years before her passing, we were already actually getting along, and I appreciated her so much more. Tapos biglang wala na siya.

Since she passed, so many things have changed. I was awarded a scholarship and finished my masters, got promoted, got other opportunities and achievements, adopted a dog (who she would have loved tremendously), and I finally have a decent stream of income. Every once in a while, I remember my dreams of bringing her abroad to reunite with her siblings, or simply bringing her to different foodtrip spots, dalin sya sa spa, mag pamper day kami, lahat ng mga gusto niya subukan na di niya nagawa because she took care of our family's wants and needs. And especially now na magpapasko na, sometimes, I still catch myself planning what to give her or where to bring her, and then I remember that she's gone. 3 years na.

Totoo pala talagang grief is not linear, and tanggap ko na 'yun, na every once in a while ay babalik 'yung lungkot. I guess what pains me is that there's just so much I am finally able to do but couldn't anymore with her. Grief isn't something to which I can say "it will pass." But all I can do is celebrate her life, her laughter and corny tita-level jokes, basically her memory, even if I still have so much love to give her and do not know where to place it.

To everyone here who is grieving, pikit at hinga nalang tayo. Life is still beautiful kahit minsan ramdam na ramdam na may missing.