what made you realise you have OCD? what made you seek a diagnosis/help?

I have depression, ADHD, and anxiety, and am medicated for the first two (for the last four months! it’s been a mostly good journey). recently (last few months), I’ve been thinking about whether it might be helpful to seek OCD assessment. the issue is that I’m not convinced I do have it, or if it would be beneficial. I also wasn’t sure if I had anxiety but when I told my friends they said they thought I already knew and that I was the most anxious person they knew LOL. I’m already on antidepressants and even if I do have it, I don’t want to get on more meds and I’ve been self-managing for years anyway- mainly through learning to sit with the discomfort and lots of exposure therapy. I used to have horrific intrusive thoughts a few years ago and wouldn’t be able to spend time with my baby sister because of them, but it’s much less severe now. A few months ago I decided against it because I didn’t feel like I was suffering ‘enough’ anymore (diagnostic criteria says an hour a day I believe).

But at the same time I’ve been really frustrated that even with my anxiety being more or less well managed, I still get intrusive thoughts and unhelpful thought spirals and behaviours. I left the dishes in the sink for two weeks bc my brain said they’re contaminated and even if i wash them Bad things will happen (even though i took bio and know how stupid that is), then i got the courage to wash them, only to have the exact same thing happen for another two weeks. today my friend came over and did them for me while i cleaned the moldy washing machine (I haven’t done laundry in the three weeks since I learnt of it because I couldn’t bear the thought of touching the mold but having someone there really helped). now I’ve been sitting and picking my scalp for the last two hours even though it hurts because the skin needs to feel even or else.

Idk, I’ve always felt much more ashamed of my anxiety/intrusive thoughts than my depression because it sounds stupid and irrational and What If I’m Just A Bad Person (I have a frequent rumination that I’m secretly racist based off an unknowing microagression I made when I was 5- I immediately apologised and im 18 now and not aware of any more such situations bUt wHaT iF I fOrGoT or DiDnT rEaLiSe). And it’s not even that bad- I can manage it! Mostly- I’ve been giving into my brain recently bc of the recent depressive episode. But it just doesn’t go away despite years of counselling and meds. Now I’ll find myself having really quick flashing images of intrusive thoughts and they’re honestly more annoying than disturbing because I’m able to say ‘wow what a silly thing to say, brain!’ (eg I hear a noise behind me and before I can register it my brain goes ‘someone’s behind you and they’re gonna stab you’). But it could be anxiety!

I’ve only recently started sharing the fact that I’ve been struggling with these OCD-like behaviours to my closest friend of 8 years over the last couple weeks, and even she with her own mental shit was like ‘Christ dude’. It’s so embarrassing to talk about! Especially when it’s so silly. And honestly I have no benchmark of what being mentally healthy is like because i haven’t been in over 8 years. I regularly forget/ learn that certain things I do aren’t common. but what if I’m faking and what if I’m not it’s not actually helpful and what if I’m just stuck like this forever and nothing helps. gah. hate my brain and hate being a mentally ill psychology student. also 3 mental illnesses sounds better than 4. 4 is a bad number.

sorry for the rant I didn’t realise I had that in me and I truly did/do wanna read about other people’s experiences- it’s just 5am and I haven’t slept and have a 9am I have to clean the whole house before.