I’m tired

I’m so tired of my body. I know I’ll never pass—I just look horrible. I’m almost five months on HRT, but I can already tell it won’t be enough. My shoulders are too broad compared to my nonexistent hips. If only I had come out at 14 instead of 18, maybe I could have prevented puberty from ruining my body.

I will never look like a woman—at best, I’ll just look like a trans person, and I can’t stand that. I want to die. It’s been a year since I started hoping I’d get a tumor or something, but nothing. I’ve been drinking almost every day for months, smoking for years, and still—nothing. Not even a single illness.

And my face… when I tried makeup, I was just a man wearing makeup. I looked awful. On top of that, I’ve never had a relationship, never had my first kiss. No one has ever complimented me because I look like shit. Meanwhile, I have to watch my sister being effortlessly beautiful—her face is gorgeous, she can go out without makeup and still be stunning, and her body is perfect. I can’t stand it.

I just want to end it all so the pain can finally stop. Honestly, I hope there’s nothing after death—just peace