I am so lonely and depressed but I can’t die because I have responsibilities.

I may be the only one that has been alone my whole life. I long for love and affection but I am plain, insecure and unlucky. I am 51 years old, I have been wanting to die my whole adult life because there is no joy in my life. I functioned on till now. My career is collapsing and I don’t have the energy to pull it back, especially in the current political climate in the US. I am in a University but have not been able to get funding for 7 years. I would have killed myself but I still have a parent, I hang on to life for this reason. But there are times there is just much pain to bear. I am howling in my house and I can’t think of a friend I can call that will understand me. I have tried to talk to a couple of friends how much pain I am in, but they always tells me my life is pretty good. I don’t blame anyone. I just need to tell someone I am in unbearable pain. If you spent time reading this, thank you. Just writing this made me feel better.

EDIT: I am beyond grateful for all the kindness and care in the comments. Thank you! I may not be able to reply to each comments but every comment makes me feel I am not alone as I perceive when I am in a ditch. Life has to go on and I will manage as best as I can. I feel lucky to have found this community. I already feel so much better. Maybe I will see my doctor to try some medications.