Long and Meant for My Person

I love you, and I’ll love you forever. I have to love you from afar now. Why do I love you? Well I love your smile and your voice. I fell in love with you for the ways your hands moved and you held yourself. You have such a high standard for how you act and show yourself, it’s masculine in a way. Everyone respects you because you’re so smart and rational and intelligent. You’re articulate and precise. You were my best friend. You comforted me, I comforted you. I listened I heard. You saved me in a way from my old toxic relationship that was my own self delusion. In you I found myself again. I believed in myself, I felt more confident, I felt safe. And then we made it official… that was our wrong. We did so much wrong. I was hot and young and fit and it didn’t matter, you still constantly wanted other people and thought about them. I don’t believe you never cheated. I’ve been ignored for years, I have trauma and I thought you would heal me love me unconditionally like you did when we were friends. Made a post about no one ever wanting you at their lowest or their highest. Insane cuz I begged for you at my lowest and you refused to give me a hug or listen to me. You took every high I should’ve had away, every promotion I got I wasn’t good enough, every compliment about how good I was at my job or how kind of a person I was you made sure to rip that away and make me feel so low. And even now I think about it and I understand why you would do that cuz it’s exactly what your mom did to you. And I love you unconditionally. I talk to much shit and degrade you too for who you have turned into and the beatings and the constant mental abuse. I excuse it all. My body, mind, and soul want you every day and every night. You’re still making my life miserable and it’s been months and still every single day I miss you and want you. I changed my number, deleted every social media, I changed shifts. I’ve done everything to get away from you. And I think everyday you’re going to come here and I’m going to have to make the decision to call the cops and finally go through with a PFA or if I’m going to break down and hold you and sob. I felt your pain in my soul and I cried for pain that wasn’t mine and it was like spiritual I can’t explain it. I will forever love you tho. And I mean absolutely forever but I will not down myself in misery any longer. You have chose other women over me and I am choosing myself but just know I’ve wanted you every single day since I’ve met you and I still do and I will. You’re the one I will probably still think about and want to be held by in 10 years. I wanted everything with you, you ruined it. It’s all going to be okay though, I love you and I hope you find happiness