I want to be Muslim

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts and queerphobia

I’m an atheist but I want to be a Muslim. However, I’m also queer. I’m genderfluid, bi, and on the asexual spectrum. I have seen so much lgbt hate from Muslims.

If I do convert I will 100% “act” on my feelings. I have to. If I don’t, I’ll die. I tried for years, since I was 12, to be cis, to be straight, and it didn’t work. I just made myself miserable. If I did it again I don’t think I’d survive it. I’ve seen Muslims say that “it’s just a test from Allah and you’ll be rewarded.” I’m not going to torture myself to suicide for anyone, and I can’t worship a god that would ask that of me.

What can I do? I know there are many queer Muslims, Muslims who are in gay marriages and transition, and they do so saying that Islam as a religion is lgbtq+ friendly. Are there arguments that can be made in support of this? Verses up for debate?

I’m sorry if it seems like I’m rambling. I just want to be Muslim, but I also want to be myself and I don’t know if the two can coexist.