Estranged since summer

Back story for context: My husbands childless step mom married his Dad when he was 15. I have known her since I was 17 when I started dating my now husband.

She has been a self absorbed hardcore drain from the start, however I was young and a person who due to childhood trauma always wanted to keep the peace so I never rocked the boat. When we got married I saw some upcoming challenges coming my way by her being my step mother in law. I really noticed it when we started having kids and she was now Grandma to my kids. It got insufferable and I would share info/boundaries with her but it never hit home because she didn’t want to face the music and would be manipulative by crying to end the discussion.

Over the years she has been a thorn in my side by constantly giving me unsolicited advice about my kids, pets, garden, food etc. keeping watchful detective-like tabs on us, interrogating us, testing us. She has a shrill, annoying, intense voice and gets ornery and argumentative if my kids or I don’t do it just like her. It comes across as lecturing, controlling and highly critical and also I don’t respect her advice for many reasons I won’t get into, so I just don’t want to hear it from her at all.

My kids think of her as an elderly great aunt. They have expressed she lacks the warmth of a Grandma. She makes them uncomfortable at times by her intense and strange behavior. They love her though and I know she does love them as well in her own way.

Later on I tried to limit my contact with her as I was developing a severe allergy to her and didn’t want to go into anaphylactic shock.

However there were some issues this spring I couldn’t push away. My Mom was being made to feel uncomfortable by my SMIL who was lately always grilling her for info while we would do combined family activities and I’m very protective of my mom. Also I had lent my SMIL a pair of my glasses and when I asked for them back (because she is a hoarder) she had a hard time giving my glasses back to me and gave me the 3rd degree.

So this past June I texted my SMIL regarding these issues (no phone call bc she interrupts and cries and nothing can be said or resolved).

Hi xxxxx

Great seeing you and xxxx last night. That was neat xxxx could have some one and one time with both of her grandparents together.

I would have shared this last night but didn’t want to discuss in front of xxxx.

Last night while you were interrogating me about my glasses and then about if my mom attended the game in xxxx, it made me think about how this is an ongoing issue. I’ve heard you talk to my mom many times and interrogate her about how long she stays at my house and whatnot.
It is obnoxious. No more interrogating when you talk please.

Thank you :-)

My SMIL never responded, no apology, never spoke about it. We had a family event a couple weeks after I sent the text and she acted sheepish and injured, like she couldn’t walk properly. I said hello, gave her a hug, like I always do. We then had a couple more family events lumped together all in June and I noticed the same sheepish look, walking funny victim vibes etc. We didn’t really chat, there was an obvious wall between us, but other ppl were there so there was a buffer. She saw my Mom at these events, never apologized to her. To date. I haven’t seen my SMIL since the end of June.

Fast forward to November, my husband wrote her an email as he wants to get the ball rolling for resolution since there has been no contact on her end. He outlined deeper details about how in our over 20 years of marriage, our interactions with her have been unpleasant due to what I’ve outlined already and talks of moving forward and what that looks like.

His Dad updated him, saying it was not enjoyable for her to read. That she’s written and rewritten responses but nothing sent back to him. That she’s considering going to counselling.

I recognize the ball is in her court. Since I haven’t seen or had any contact with her since early summer, it’s been a relief for me. I haven’t missed her and her mind games. I don’t want her back in my life. I dread her coming back as I am unable to make all those accommodations like I used to. It’s gone.

Edit: I’m seeing that she is a covert narc, this article sums up a lot of what’s occurred in our over 20 year relationship.

https://www.carlacorelli.com/narcissistic-abuse-recovery/covert-narcissist-woman/