i haven’t been worried about aging, until recently.

i’m turning 25 next month and aging is weighing heavily on my mind currently. my pain started when i was 23 and my doctors still haven’t figured out (or cared to figure out) what is causing it. whatever it is, i’m certain this will be a lifelong thing at this point.

i’ve always been someone who said “aging is a privilege denied to many”, which i still believe is true, but lately ive been actively dreading getting older. as my body ages and naturally begins to fail me, it will fail me even more rapidly due to my pain. if im in this much pain after just 2 years since its start, what will i feel like when im 30? 40? 50?

i’m trying to cross that bridge when i get to it and not worry about it too much, maybe my pain will plateau, maybe it will go away completely somehow. there’s no way of knowing. i’m still able to work and move around and live a semblance of a normal life, i just do it all in pain. im lucky compared to the extent of the pain some people who post here have. but the lingering worry is still there. it is hard to be grateful that it’s not worse, grieve the 20s i /could/ be having right now, and plan for the future all at once.

idk, just needed to vent.