My mother terrorized my life with physical and emotional incest.

I am a 28/f struggling with healing through all of my childhood trauma.

I slept in my parents’ bed most of my life until I was 15 years old, and I remember virtually none of it. Once I remember begging my mother to let me sleep on the outside of the bed and not the middle and she irritatingly brushed me off. I was always naked as a child, wearing no shirt and panties or a t shirt and no panties, I struggle to this day wearing underwear to sleep. My memories are so blocked it’s insane.

It gets worse… I spoke to my uncle today, for the first time unmonitored by my mother, and he disclosed that my mother was a very active satanist in her youth. I am not sure if I suffered from ritualist childhood abuse or not…. My parents had a lot of parties when I was young, I remember my mother joyful regaling in memories of me dancing on tables at their parties and being given dollar bills. In the 90’s, she had a child daycare center where an infant died, the FBI investigated but I guess it was non conclusive because there weren’t charges, though the center was closed. My uncle believes that instance and her past are related.

I did not learn to wipe myself until I was 9, my mother insisted that I ask her and only her. I initiated wanting to learn. I begged her at age 10 to let me clean myself in the shower, she agreed but continued to wash my hair for years following. She would lotion my entire body after I showered, I remember the feeling of her hands grazing my genitals. My father would watch and remind me to continue lotioning myself into my adulthood.

She would often “clean herself” on the toilet with a cup and would expose herself completely to me. She inserted my first tampon. I kissed her on the lips my entire life.

She made me tell her everything, all the time. I began having sex as a teenager and would tell her every detail of my many encounters. She facilitated my relationship with a 21 year old man when I was 16 and then when he was abusive (shocker) she told me should would report him to the police if I didn’t end the relationship.

She isolated me from everyone in my life, including friends, my 5 older siblings and aunts/uncles. For the first time in my life I actually spoke to my siblings and they confirmed that they suspected I was being molested my entire life. They confided that my bedroom was a ‘stage room’ and I was always with my parents. We have all chronically slept with ear plugs in because my parents would have very loud and explicit sex.

My siblings were all violently abused, from black eyes to being tied to the bed by their four limbs, yet I was not. I thought I was blessed to have not gotten beaten. That I was good and they were bad and deserved all of the violent abuse they suffered from. She had different plans for us all. She is a sinister monster. I am realizing how terrified I am of her. I have nightmares of her almost every night, ranging from her forcing herself on me to her asking me to kiss her and me being unable to say no. I’m ready to gather courage and enlightenment to heal from these horrible experiences.

Thanks for reading. This thread makes me feel less alone.

EDIT: Since the first comment I got on this post was “this is so fake” I thought I’d address it. I wish more than anyone on the planet that this was all fake. I am as horrified by my past and by my birther as anyone could possibly be. I identify as a chosen orphan. I’ve never been able to keep friends, I self harmed my entire adolescence, I’ve struggled with eating disorders and insomnia and chronic UTIs/yeast infections. I know how awful this all is because it’s my actual fucking life. I haven’t been able to sleep after what my uncle shared with me today, I am so terrified of the woman who birthed me I can barely stand it. The only people who know this are my sisters, my partner, and my therapist. I know she can’t hurt me anymore but I’m so afraid. This is to say, this is all true. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. If anyone has any kind/supportive/affirming words, that would be great. The pain of accepting and acknowledging this is enough.