it just keeps getting worse

TW suicide .

yesterday we were having a conversation and at some point over text he ended up saying “i just don’t love you anymore” . i got drunk on my own, and threatened to kill myself to my housemates by overdosing or stabbing myself . i punched myself until i got this huge bruise on my face. i ended up going to a&e in the back of an ambulance and i banged my head so hard on it’s windows i got a headache that lasted a whole day . they gave me a crisis team and now i am at home . i haven’t been to uni in over a week, and since yesterday all i’ve been doing is laying in bed . nothing seems to be able to distract me from the situation , no tv show or song or youtube video or anything. and i don’t have the energy to get up and do anything, and even if i do i still feel so sad doing it .

i’ve done wrong to the person i love most. he said to me “you don’t treat me in a way someone that loves me would treat me”. and i have to agree with him . i have done bad things to him, but not intentionally. i would never want to hurt him. i just prioritised myself too much. and i tell him i love him and i know he doesn’t believe me anymore, if he ever did . but i really do love him . my love for him is killing me, literally, i don’t want to live without him, i feel so guilty and it’s even worse to live knowing he’s angry and upset at me. i genuinely think he hates me. which is awful to think about because i love him more than anything and i just don’t know how i’ve done this, how i’ve messed everything up so badly. i don’t know how i’ve managed to hurt the person i love most so badly.

i keep hitting new lows . i think im at my worst and then somehow i get worse. i cant sleep, i cant think about anything but him and love and guilt more than anything. i hate myself for the things i’ve done i really hate myself . i cant see a way i’ll be happy without him in my life, or at least his forgiveness. i still have a headache now, i keep throwing up and feeling sick, i feel dizzy in every shower, i keep skipping brushing my teeth . i’m watching myself die and i don’t have enough desire to stop it . my motivation to keep going before was the slight hope that maybe me and him could get back together but i know that’s not going to happen now . so there is nothing i want to keep going for . i just love him . it’s all i am now