I can't trust my masking skills since reviewing my life through autism.

Sorry if this comes across wrong in any way! Just wondering if anyone relates. Currently in the throws of sensory overload related insomnia so this could sound unhinged for all I know.

I always thought I masked well, but since my diagnosis in 2021 (age 30 at the time) I now see clearly that I always missed the mark when "presenting as neurotypical."

I look back at my college and early 20s photos and think "is it any wonder I struggled to fit in?" Yet at the time I truly believed I just needed to dress and act a certain way and no one would suspect I had spent hours prepping for such a trivial social thing. It would always be confusing and distressing to me at the time if people didn't want to hang out with me again.

But on reflection I have learned that my posture, mannerisms, tone of voice and mechanical coordination of fashion/aesthetics were very obviously atypical, and the identity I presented was clearly a facade. This is by no means to say autism = won't fit in, but in my assessment the psychologist sort of inadvertently drew attention to these characteristics of mine and how that contrasted with my "need" to be accepted.

I also read a study a while back that suggested that autistic children don't always feel rejected when they are in fact being socially rejected, because they didn't see that they were atypical or clock the negative social cues. That really resonates with me personally.

The trouble is, although knowledge should be power, I still cannot seem to register how I am coming cross to others, so try as I might to navigate social situations I struggle to trust myself. It's like meta-autism now haha. I guess this just means I need to just exist as myself and stop sweating over how others perceive me. Easier said than done but we shall see.