AITH My boyfriend says I violated him when I caught him cheating/lying. I'm beginning to think that I'm the real problem.

Going to make this as easy to digest as possible, I know it's long but please STICK WITH ME. I am desperately needing to know if I'm the problem here. Am I wrong for yelling/raising my voice when we fight? I need an unbias opinion. I'm questioning whether or not I'm an actual narcissist because I can't comprehend his responses to me when I express criticism of his behaviour.

Year 1: My boyfriend and I met online (both in our mid-late 20s) and have been in a long-distance and off 'thing' for the last 3 years. We live in separate countries and met online. The first year I found out he was seeing someone else (girl 1) behind my back. He was talking to this person a little before me but said they were just friends (not true). We separated but started talking again after he promised he would block her.

Year 2: I flew to see him after we briefly called things off but reconnected, wanting to see if we could repair things. We are not official atp. He booked the flight, saying it was worth it to see me. At first, I was hesitant to let my walls down, but eventually, I did. We acted like a couple, and he introduced me as his partner to his friends—it felt genuine. He admitted to going on a blind date during our break but claimed it led nowhere. We discussed getting back together, but I wanted to rebuild trust first. He showed little remorse for the past, but his words gave me faith. We were very in love at this point.

Year 2.5: I went back home (still not official) and things felt a bit distant. I had a hunch something was going on and I checked the blind-date girl's story (will call her girl 2) and his phone was in the picture. He said that he was out with 2 other people there. I got upset that he didn't tell me the full truth and requested that he stopped being in contact with this girl. He agreed. After this I felt disconnected, and I fell into another depressive episode (for my personal reasons + this).

Year 3: We ended things again here for about a month. Same story as before, we ended up reconnecting and I flew down to him. The love had always been there so things were great (ofc) but I asked him if he had slept with anyone during the time we were apart and he couldn't answer me. I was distraught because I would've expected him to come clean to me by now, especially after everything. After hours of begging him for the truth he finally admitted to sleeping with one girl.

Because of our past, I had a gut feeling there was more. and more there was! Tbf, weren't officially together through any of this. I had to use his computer for my university class and I followed my intuition and found everything:

• Girl 1: he never blocked her, in fact when he reached out to me again he was still sleeping with her. when he flew down to me he didn't talk to her because she had asked him not to see me. but when he went back home he was still in contact with her, sexting her, all of the above. this is all while constantly reassuring me that he wanted nothing to do with her. Before he flew down to me, he actually got her pregnant. She didn't have the baby.
• Girl 2: On the last day before I flew home in year 2 she called him. He was talking to her again while I was still in the air flying home. They started seeing eachother/sleeping together again, she met his friends. He is also still in contact with Girl 1 but I'm not sure if they were sleeping together. This is all while I've become the most suicidal I have ever been in my life, I was so depressed. He knew this. This went on for 5-6 months? I had no idea.
• So help me god 1: I spoke to girl 2 through dms, she went me proof that he told her that he was too scared to leave me and that I said I would kill myself if he left. I had issues with self harm, I told him I relapsed once and he asked me to send a picture. I was reluctant (bc why..) but I did. He sent her this picture and said "look see what she does, i can't leave". She let me know that he said really did want to be in a relationship with her, and that he loved her, but he "just couldn't". He also told her that she can't post him on her story anymore because I'll look at it and 'relapse' again. ok.
• SO HELP ME GOD 2: Towards the end of whatever the fuck happened up there, he was going out/sleeping with 4 other girls. To fill a void after girl 2 didn't work? idk. No idea what the timeline is like for that, doesn't matter at this point tho. Some messages about someone leaving their underwear somewhere and nudes... i lost track.

TODAY: Yep, still here. I told myself that he had done these things because we were never 'official' (even though we were exclusive). We became official that same trip after he showed some remorse (honestly typing this out feels.. weird). Naturally, I will randomly break down because of this past and it'll turn into an argument. We have been good for 6-7 months. He hasn't done anything and gave me his socials. I have taken him back everytime because he says that I am truly the only one he wanted to be with. He always just saw the future with me but bc I wasn't ready to make it official yet he didn't feel secure.

I found out he asked his ex out—while they're good friends (same friend group and see eacohther frequently) and I've met her, this crossed my boundaries. When I confronted him, he lied, saying it was her idea when it was actually his. I broke down because he lied again, but he doesn’t see how this connects to our trust issues. Things escalated around trust. Yesterday, he accused me of violating his space for checking his messages. He gets upset when I demand honesty, saying I yell, while I react emotionally because he minimizes the scenario OR he just goes off on a tangent about something else that's wrong to him. When I express frustration, he claims he doesn’t feel safe opening up to me, saying I use his feelings against him. He shifts focus to my reactions instead of what I brought up to him initially. It feels like he's constantly making himself the victim. He argues that one mistake shouldn’t erase six months of effort, but I feel unheard—like I’m screaming into the void while he centers the conversation on what he's going through.

Am I going fucking insane? Am I the dismissive one here? Am I being abusive? Unreasonable? I've never been this way in my relationships before, and if I'm the problem I need to know so I can fix it.

He said: "You demand things from me, you violate my personal space until you hear what you want to hear, I'm scared of you". This was a wakeup call because I don't want to be this kind of person. When I have demanded anything, it's just been for the truth. Is it wrong to?

edit: sorry I didn't make this clear. this post wasn't about how he cheated on me, I know how horrific that is. That's a whole other can of worms on it's own. It was meant to be more towards his responses to my reaction, when I bring up his behaviour. I wanted to know if he's justified in feeling that way or if I'm getting manipulated. he's made me feel like such a monster for how I treat him. Am I turning narcissistic/abusive because of my resentment? Did I really violate him? :/